


Apologies

by Navitri



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AU w/ Krypto, Angst, Anxiety, Bi Disaster Kara Danvers, Cliffhangers, F/F, Fluff before sadness, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I dont do research I just make things up as I go, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Panic Attack, Supercorp will be a thing I promise, Useless Lesbian Lena Luthor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-06-26 06:19:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15657501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Navitri/pseuds/Navitri
Summary: Post 3x19, Kara realizes far too late that her lies to protect Lena would only serve to drive them apart. Lena always soothed her panic attacks andwas an angel worth risking everything for. Little did she know how much she'd actually give to save her best friend and love of her life.orPain and angst literally no one asked for





	1. Endings

This wasn’t the first time that Kara had shown up at Lena’s doorstep unannounced, nor the first time that she’d shown up crying. Despite all that was happening, she worried about her best friend, who still hadn’t opened up to her, at least not enough to talk about these nights. Lena always tried to broach the subject, but inevitably got some line about a sad story she was working, or just a brief “not now.” Kara’s silence didn’t phase her, after all, she knew how hard trust could be. 

Tonight didn’t differ too much from the average of these nights, not at first. Lena had learned to sense when they were coming, and yesterday, Kara barely ate a third of her ice cream before calling it a night, the smiles not quite reaching her eyes, and the hug goodbye tighter than normal. The logical scientist in Lena guessed that Kara was dealing with some sort of abandonment issues, MDD, Anxiety, or a mix thereof, but she tried not to treat Kara like another thing to fix, even if sometimes she suggested seeing a therapist, or, ironically, Vitamin D supplements. 

Instead, Lena replaced the motion sensor at the door with a facial recognition scanner that would wake her if Kara was outside. Had anyone known, they wouldn’t have thought it necessary, but then again, no one else had walked out one morning to find Kara passed out on their doorstep, just because she thought she was too much of a burden. So when Lena’s room lights brightened at 1 in the morning, a soft tone echoing through the apartment, she jumped up, threw on a robe over her thin shirt, and rushed to the door.

Kara was soaked, like she had stood in the rain for hours. In reality, she had been flying around for longer, burning off energy, trying to escape her own mind, though all it left her was barely enough energy to fly to the stash of clothes near Lena’s. It was a silent one this time, Lena noted, pulling the soaked woman into her home. Kara tried to step back, her eyes on the carpet that cost more than her salary, but Lena wouldn’t have it.  
“You first,” Lena hummed, the familiar promise passing over her lips in habit. 

That promise was made the second time Kara came over needing a friend, after she was so upset, she broke a glass and tried to leave because she “always made everything worse.” With speed Lena didn’t know she had, she stood between her best friend and the door. “Do you really think I care about that glass more than I care about you? Do you think I wouldn’t let you break every priceless thing in my home if only to see you smile again? You come first. You’re the only priceless thing I care about. You first. Always.”

Kara stood still as Lena took off her sweater, starting to stare off into the distance, her mind a million miles away. As she noticed, Lena gently moved Kara’s face to pay attention to her. “I want you to breathe with me, can I hold you?” Lena asked gently, grateful that at least in this aspect of life, she knew what to do. Kara nodded slightly, so Lena opened her robe and moved Kara’s arms around her underneath it, the biting cold absorbing the heat through Lena’s thin shirt. Wrapping her own arms around the shaking woman, the two of them started to go through their practiced breathing, inhaling and exhaling measured breaths until Kara squeezed her, showing her that she was there, and better, for now at least. 

Pulling back, but keeping Kara’s hand in hers, Lena led the two of them to the bathroom. “Bath or shower?” She asked softly, getting a glance towards the tub in response. Letting go for a moment, Lena pulled out the extra PJs she kept for Kara out of a cupboard, and set them on the counter, drawing a bath with the Lavender bath salts that Kara said she liked once. With a bit of coaxing, Lena got Kara into the tub, her soaked clothes in a pile next to them. Rolling up her sleeves as she had done a dozen other times before, Lena started to hum as she washed Kara’s hair, ignoring how the water turned tan from the dirt, and worked to detangle the mess of twigs from the blonde, matted mess. When Lena had finished, she gently washed her best friend’s face, those saddened blue eyes locked into her soft green ones. 

After a quick rinse off, Kara got dressed, but not before trying to put on the soaked clothes so she could leave, her fear of being too much and worth nothing only overridden by Lena’s soft insistence that she would much rather have her there than somewhere she couldn’t keep her safe. Usually the two of them ended up falling asleep on the couch or Kara sleeping in Lena’s bed while she stayed up on her laptop, but recently they had both been falling asleep in the bed, enough that Lena had found and bought Kara’s favourite type of pillow. When the two women entered the bedroom, they both suddenly remembered how exhausted they were, but Kara stopped in place, focusing on forming the words she had said over in her head a million times, imagining that each time, somehow, it would be enough to be forgiven. 

“I-I’m s-sorr-ry,” Kara choked out, her Supergirl confidence gone in the face of losing her best friend. She couldn’t lie forever. She knew that all too well. But she also couldn’t handle losing Lena, her best friend, or so she called her, if best friend meant loving someone so much it hurt, or wanting to kiss someone so much that you're sure you’d never stop if you started. Lena’s eyes widened a little, looking to Kara’s arms where scars littered the otherwise unmarked skin, but nothing new had appeared. Kara shook her head slightly, repeating her apology, a bit stronger this time. Lena wiped away the new tears on Kara’s face. “Hush, you need sleep, we can deal with it tomorrow.”  
Kara didn’t object as she was guided under the covers but crumbled under her conscience. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” she repeated her mantra over and over as Lena climbed in beside her, trying to calm her down as she moved closer, wrapping her arms around her. Kara continued to whisper apologies until she passed out to the comforting sound of Lena’s heart about an hour later. With a kiss to Kara’s forehead, Lena settled into sleep as well, sleeping better than she ever did without Kara.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a moment, Lena thought no time had passed, a warmth beside her much like Kara’s was the night before. But then her rattled mind began to pick up the pieces, and she began to remember. 

Had Lena’s phone not been left in the bathroom, she might have heard the repeated calls from her head of security at 4. Instead, she woke up at a leisurely 7am, instead of her normal 5. She opened her eyes to see a peaceful Kara sleeping in her arms, and she smiled a little. Even if the circumstances were not the best, Lena could never say that she didn’t like waking up to this beautiful woman, the smell of roses filling the air from her favourite shampoo. 

After carefully extricating herself, Lena went in search of her phone, finding 11 voicemails and 8 texts. The most recent text made her heart sink. 

_They have plan Z._

Plan Z, the worst case scenario Kryptonite bomb she had built in case everything else failed. Calling up the DEO, Lena confessed, telling them to contact Supergirl and tell her to leave the city. Even if she couldn’t trust her, Lena didn’t want to be responsible for any more deaths than she already would be. She left a note for Kara, apologising, and telling her to stay put and help herself to the food, that she’d be back soon. Lena vaguely remembers heading to where she kept Sam, finding Reign free, wreaking havok, the bomb set to 10 minutes. Tied to a chair, Reign had broadcasted to Supergirl that Lena could still be saved, but she was nowhere in sight. The ten minutes had passed quickly, Supergirl flying in at the last second…. too late. 

With a warmth pressed against her, Lena could have sworn she was back in bed with Kara, until the pain kicked in. Bruises, cracked ribs, a broken leg, and a small sharp pain in her stomach. Head tucked down by the warmth against her, Lena opened her eyes to see her torso joined to Supergirl’s by a piece of Kryptonite infused titanium, the fragment of the bomb had passed mostly through Supergirl and was embedded in Lena about an inch. Supergirl’s arms still around her, Lena tried to extract herself from the metal. The sharp pain made her gasp, inhaling the scent of blood, rubble, and… lavender and roses? 

Her mind still foggy, Lena felt Supergirl move to look down at her. Steeling herself for an angry, albeit weakened Kryptonian, Lena looked up. Suddenly the familiar smells clicked as a lock of hair that she had washed just hours prior fell from her hero’s shoulder. Kara’s face was webbed with green veins, her skin becoming paler by the second. Before Lena could process, the love of her life, the one she trusted, the one who lied, who became two of the most prominent people in her life, croaked out, “I’m sorry.” Those ocean blue eyes that she had loved so much closed and her muscles went slack as the green glow consumed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading my first published work!! Please give me feedback, even if you absolutely hate it!
> 
> Scream at me on Tumblr: http://www.navitri42.tumblr.com/


	2. Mourning

As Lena’s mind ran over the past two years, putting together every event, every emotion, every night that Kara had lied to her, all she could think was “Fuck you.”  
DOD agents swarmed the wreckage, searching for the two of them, finding the pair only through Lena’s screams. 

“You promised! Fuck you! You promised, you can’t leave me!”  
Every breath caused a spike of agony as her broken ribs moved but at this point, Lena was almost grateful for the distraction. She shoved Kara’s lifeless arm off of her, tears streaming down her face. “You promised,” she croaked, the DOD agents arriving just in time for Lena to try and pull herself off of the fragment of the bomb. 

“Ms. Luthor don’t, you have to stay still.” Lena recognised the voice of a DOD agent.  
“I can’t- get her away from me, I-“ she stuttered, cut off by a short cry. Twisting her head to find it’s source, Lena saw Alex running towards them. She called out her sister’s name, then calling for J’onn as blood started pouring out of Kara’s mouth.  
Lena considered it a blessing when the anger subsided enough for the pain to return and caused her to pass out. What she wouldn’t give to never wake up again.

Unfortunately, she woke up. And when she did, she was greeted by the stench of hospital and a chorus of aches all over her body. Her leg in a cast suspended in the air like one of those medical dramas that Kara- no. She couldn’t think about her right now. But then a thought betrayed her: _I’m glad she’s gone, at least now I don’t have to deal with breaking her heart. She knew I would never trust her again._ Appalled at the stone cold sentiment that had surfaced from the dark corners of her mind, she tried to focus on her surroundings. The private room was mostly quiet, with the exception of her steady heartbeat echoed by the machines hooked up to her. Some fresh flowers sat on the table next to her, making the room smell like roses. Next to them was her phone, plugged in. With little effort, Lena grabbed her phone, unlocking it to find many notifications of texts and missed calls. Skimming through them, Kara’s name jumped out at her. She read the small preview, trying to force her heart into the cage she had had it in for so many years.

_Kara: I know I might not make it. I just want you to know that I…_

Lena couldn’t bring herself to open it and read the rest. She wouldn’t delete it. Not yet. The time would come, but for now… well she couldn’t handle Kara’s last wishes.  
As she debated opening up her emails, Alex walked in, knocking softly. Her normally lively eyes looked almost empty and sunken in, her sharp cheekbones jutted out from her face like she hadn’t eaten in a white either. 

Lena didn’t trust her self to speak, or even to really sit up properly, but Alex spoke for her. “It’s been a week. I’ll have the nurse grab you some water,” She stated, turning to leave, but then hesitated. “She didn’t make it, not that she would with a weapon of your making. The wake is tomorrow. She’ll be sent to Argo after that. There’s a spot on the ship for you, not that it was my choice. She would have done anything for you, and she paid the price.” Alex left with a grieving anger that could rival the power of Kara’s protective gaze when she- Lena shook her head. It can’t be like that anymore. She can’t compare everything to that…. _Woman, traitor, precious, snake, jewel- **STOP.**_

Her mind calmed with the forceful, yet serene wave that washed over her. She realised J’onn was standing in the doorway. “I tried not to intrude, but, well, it felt like you needed that.” He stepped over to the bed, offering her the cup of water in his hand. Trying to sit up, Lena found that her hands shook. J’onn helped her take a sip, then sat on the lone chair next to the bed. 

They sat for a moment in silence, neither knowing what to say. Finally, J’onn sighed. “I’m not saying I agree with your actions, but… This is not your fault Lena, and I can tell you, she would have forgiven you.”  
“Thank you,” Lena cleared her throat, trying to breathe normally. “I… I failed. I don’t deserve to say goodbye, and currently, I am not quite sure I want to.” Lena steeled her nerves, finally knowing once and for all that she was worth nothing. 

“I can’t force you to attend the wake, but you owe it to Kara to go to Argo,” J’onn said softly but with a force behind his words. He stood, leaving the cup of water on the bedside table. “You can be released in the morning, and until then, I will keep your mind quiet. She would have wanted you to have peace.” With a glance full of pity, J’onn left, leaving Lena to the sound of the machines, and her own heartbeat. 

She learned from the nurse that in the week that she had been comatose, the city had been quiet. J’onn had been taking Supergirl’s form to try and keep her death undercover. L Corp had not been publicly implicated in the incident, but the board knew that something was happening, and were keen on removing Lena from the company. Lena spent half of the night responding to emails, only passing out at 3 when the nurse, Joan, raised her morphine just enough that typing on her laptop felt like climbing Everest. 

The next morning, just as J’onn said, a doctor came in and discharged her from the medical wing inside the DOD facility. She only nodded as the doctor gave her prescriptions and instructions, both because her ribs hadn’t healed and she didn’t trust herself to speak without cracking the facade she had managed to recreate in the few hours she had been awake. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jess met the DOD escort at the rendezvous point in a company car, taking Lena’s chart and medications from the agent that drove Lena. As soon as the driver started off towards Lena’s apartment, and the divider was raised, Jess set the papers down and moved close to Lena, gently wrapping her arms around her boss. 

She knew that she would be taking on a lot when she applied to be the personal assistant to none other than Lena Luthor, but Jess had no clue that the job would lead to ensuring the CEO took care of herself. Lena relaxed slightly into Jess’ embrace, letting a few tears slip from her eyes. Within a few moments, the tears had fallen faster, and Jess pulled her to her chest. The steady beating of her heart always seemed to calm down her boss, and by the time they had arrived, Lena’s tears had dried, and she was breathing much easier. Despite Lena’s hesitance, Jess helped her inside.

“I’m fine. Just go.” Lena snapped, struggling with her crutches after pushing Jess aside. 

“Freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Yes Lena, you’re fine. That’s why I’m here. It’s my job to help you in any way I can, and I know that K- your friends aren’t here to make you take care of yourself so it falls to me. You pay me good money to assist you, so let me do so, or fire me.” Jess had never been so forward with her boss, but the circumstances seemed to warrant it. Lena sighed, drained from the walls she put up. “Okay. I’m going to go take a bath.” Jess nodded. “I trust you’ll call for me if you need anything.” The statement sounded like a soft warning, one that Lena ignored as she headed towards the bathroom. 

Dropping her crutches, Lena hobbled towards the tub, allowing herself this one night to grieve. She turned on the water, adding Kara’s lavender bath salts, the smell making her heart ache. Tearing her clothes off, she almost threw them into the corner, but noticed the space still held Kara’s clothes. Now dried, they lay untouched, one of the countless reminders of the dead possibilities. All those times she willed herself to kiss Kara or tell her how she felt came bubbling to the surface, and her veins turned to fire. Lowering herself into the tub, tears streamed down Lena’s face. She made sure to keep the cast out of water as she scrubbed the skin cells and filth and guilt from every inch of her body until she was shades redder than normal. The rose scented shampoo called to her, so she began washing her hair, a dollop of lather dropping onto her nose, pulling her into the past. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Kara, hush, you need to take a bath. You are not sleeping in my bed smelling like kerosene. Now, you are plastered so I don’t trust you to not drown in my absence.” Lena blocked the entrance to her bedroom, arms folded.

“It-it was just some Aldern-Albe-Algerian rum, I, I’m-” Kara stumbled sideways, Lena catching her easily. “Ooh, you’re a strong lady CEO, not just hot- oh that one stays in my head, yep stay. Lena, I say okay because I trust you and baths are nice.” Kara mumbled a few more words as Lena tried not to laugh and blush. She was only successful at one. 

Lena began to fill the tub and helped Kara out of her clothes, trying not to stare at the multitude of muscles, but then failed to not stare at the litany of scars that littered Kara’s arms and thighs. Tonight was not the night for that discussion, she decided, and she focused on Kara’s hazy blue eyes as she helped her into the tub. With a bit of work, Lena managed to calm Kara enough to go grab shampoo and start massaging it into her hair. Kara moaned loudly, “Oh Lena why are your fingers so nice?” Lena chuckled softly, “you are definitely more than a bit drunk.” Kara pulled away at that remark. 

“No way!” Lena moved so that Kara could see her. “Kara Danvers, look into my eyes and tell me that again.” Kara shifted and was suddenly very aware how close the two of them were. Resisting the urge to make another mistake tonight, Kara used a finger to pull some of the foamy shampoo from her hair and placed it on Lena’s nose. “Boop!” Kara laughed and then snorted, only serving to make Lena laugh, and the two women fell into a fit of giggles, throwing bubbles at each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reality snapped back in like the recoil of a gun, the colors of the bathroom becoming more muted without the light that is- was, Kara. Lena slipped under the water, with more than half a mind to turn over and inhale deeply. Instead she enjoyed the calm, resurfacing only when her lungs began to scream. 

Lena came out of the bathroom just as Jess had finished putting away groceries she had ordered. The smell of fresh marinara hung in the air. 

“It’s not from Italy, but I am, so I think it’s close enough. It’ll be done in a few minutes, just have a seat.” Jess nodded over to the two place settings that she had placed. Lena’s eyes instead went to the card on the table. Her last words to Kara. She left the card where it lay, taking the seat farther away from the offending paper. 

Dinner passed uneventfully, though Lena did learn that Jess took a few cooking classes back in Italy, and is now always invited over for dinner. Other than the occasional comment, they ate in silence. After washing up, Jess gathered her things. “I’ll be back tomorrow,” she hesitated before continuing, “would you like to go to the wake tomorrow?” 

Lena shook her head. “I am not wanted there. But after, I’ll be taking a short trip. Probably not more than a few days. I won’t have service but I expect updates about the company that I can read when I get home.”

Jess nodded, knowing better than to question a Lena right now. “Leftovers are in the fridge, I expect you to eat while I’m gone.” With that, Jess left, leaving Lena alone in the penthouse that suddenly seemed too big without someone else. 

The next day passed uneventfully, time both seemed to speed up and slow down at the same time as she mourned Kara. Lena turned on the news but immediately regretted it when she saw the news report covering the victims of what they called an “alien attack.” Some reporters had shown up at the wake, and Lena stared, watching Kara’s friends and family pay their respects, painfully aware that she was not among them. She turned off the TV, deciding to spend the rest of the day in bed. Kara’s pillow still smelled like her, and Lena curled up around it, drifting in and out of consciousness for the rest of the day and night. 

She was woken by a soft chime, her doorbell. Having ignored the prescribed pain medication, Lena groaned as she sat up, donning her sweatpants and a T-shirt. Whoever was at the door was not important enough to warrant anything fancier, and even if they did, Lena wasn’t sure she could manage to get herself into anything else.

Lena opened the door to see J’onn in a suit and tie. “It’s time, Lena.” 

With a sigh, Lena grabbed her pre-packed duffle bag from the closet, threw on some shoes, and followed J’onn towards the roof, where what looked like a helicopter waited. If Lena knew one thing, it was that she would regret this trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support everyone! I am a full time college student with 3 jobs, so updating will be slow, but it will happen! I don't want to address anything because spoilers, but please leave feedback!
> 
> Scream at me on Tumblr: http://www.navitri42.tumblr.com/


	3. Goodbyes

As soon as the helicopter took off, it began to shimmer, shifting under them to become J’onn’s spaceship. Surprised but not shocked. Lena glanced around the ship, noting the distinctly alien technology. J’onn addressed the elephant in the room. “You knew that I was not human, but now I suppose I should tell you who I am. My name is J’onn J’onzz, I am the last green Martian. You know I am telepathic, but there is something beyond that that you must know.” Lena stared out the window, barely paying attention. “Lena. clear your mind, you have a duty to Kara,” J’onn snapped. 

At that, Lena looked over at the Martian. “I have failed her, I have grieved and I will remember her. With all the lies and deceit, I owe her nothing more.” Lena folded her arms, knowing that she would have never allowed herself to be in anyone’s debt, though Kara did seem to be the exception for many things. 

J’onn sighed, “Just listen. It is not usual for me to disclose other’s thoughts, but Kara claimed you as her Venmok. It’s Martian, for Keeper of the Dead. She… she left me a messages, memories, that were to be entrusted to you upon her death. It’s an honour and a duty, and though I cannot force you to take them, I am not the intended recipient, and it would dishonor her memory for me to keep them.” The ship became silent with the exception of the low hum on the engines. 

“I… I can’t. Well, not now,” Lena folded her arms, looking out at Earth, which was growing smaller by the second.  
J’onn nodded, “I trust you’ll find me when the time is right. We’re meeting the others aboard a ship. Alex is there but she’ll behave. There are many customs on Krypton, I don’t have the time to explain them all, but your role as Keeper of the Dead extends to her send off. Because of the extenuating circumstances, you won’t have to make a speech, but you will be delivering her to Rao. On Krypton, they send their best heroes into the heart of a yellow sun, returning them to Rao, their solar deity.” Lena looked confused, and hurt, realizing again how little she knew of Kara, despite the fact that they trusted each other, or she thought they had. They had slept in the same bed, taken care of each other, voiced the things they dare not say in the light of day, even to themselves. Maybe that’s just what Kryptonians did. She must have meant nothing to Kara.  
“Lena, she entrusted you with returning her home.” J’onn said softly, addressing her thoughts without even having to read them. 

“I will do what is expected of me.” She affirmed, not wanting to have this responsibility, but it was the least she could do. 

When they got to the ship, most of its inhabitants avoided her like the plague. She didn’t blame them. She did, however, get to talk to Brainiac 5, who, though he actually talked to her, treated her like a child. 

“I don’t understand how you could allow this to happen. You are one of the smartest humans of your era that I have encountered, and yet you did not take the proper precautions when building a device that could kill your only ally. It, as you say, does not compute.” The AI seemed frustrated, standing over her in the med bay, controlling the machines that were healing her leg. 

“Humans have emotions, and they can overwhelm us, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. Especially when it comes to multiple problems at once, we are not as competent as we might be while focusing on one objective. That being said, I stand by the measures that I took to safeguard the…. Device.” She chose her words carefully, not knowing if anything she said would be relayed to the crew.

“Ah, so you regret building the device due to the emotional bond you had with Kara. That I can understand, I can recognise that many species when bonding consider their partner to be worth more than they are.” Brainiac clarified, nodding, apparently happy with his interpretation. 

“I,” Lena hesitated for a moment before continuing, “I regret the impact of the device.” Her normal eloquence was failing as her heart ached. “But I did not come to you to discuss my actions and their consequences, nor to have you heal my leg. I want to know what will happen when we get there, you must have petabytes of information, surely you know something of Kryptonian burial rites, I- I don’t want to go in unprepared.” She stuttered a little, embarrassed that she was using an AI with a 12th level intellect (whatever that meant) to help her not cry during the funeral of her best friend.

Instead of taking pity, Brainiac viewed the request as an honorable preparation, many humans of this era did not have such manners. “But of course, Miss Luthor. When we arrive, the procession will carry Kara to the city center, where all will have 13.82 of your hours to acknowledge the deceased, I believe you call it ‘paying your respects’, though it is much more a celebration of their life. Family and friends will make speeches, from which J’onn informed me you are exempt from. Kara will be dressed in her family’s crest, and you will be provided with a space suit as you are her, I believe it translates to, ‘sender.’ You will fly to the nearest yellow sun, saying the hero’s rites, and then let her burn up in the sun which represents a gateway to Rao. I could also go into the many customs of Krypton, they have an incredible grammar structure,” he ended, waiting for Lena to tell him to stop. 

She smiled slightly, it was nice to have someone who didn’t judge, well, at least as much. The two continued their conversation long after her leg had healed, until finally Brainiac sat up straight. “We are approaching Argo. I must go make preparations. I hope our talk was informative Miss Luthor.” Lena nodded, thanking him. 

With her impeccable memory, she walked out towards the cargo doors, where they would exit. She tried to keep her eyes off of the lead casket that the military had left Kara in, but she failed as J’onn took the lid off. “It is a dishonor to her memory if she would be shielded from the light of Rao,” he explained, looking apologetically at Lena and Alex. “She is to be untouched after death, until she is sent into a sun. Kryptonians would view any kind of restoration a lie, a falsehood that wouldn’t honor the fight she had” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Alex trying to steel herself for the funeral, somewhat unsuccessfully. 

Lena couldn’t help but gasp when she saw Kara for the first time since... since they were joined at the torso. Kara was incredibly pale, the shrapnel had long since been removed, but a hole still remained through the suit that had inspired millions, including Lena herself. Dried blood remained on her lips, down her cheek. Despite her death, she still looked like she was in pain, face frozen, slightly grimacing. The kryptonite had also dispersed, the sickly green glow gone. Her facade cracked a little more as her heart screamed in agony. J’onn and Alex picked up the coffin, almost breaking the spell.

Shaking her head, Lena tried to compose herself as the doors opened, revealing an asteroid of lush green. They had landed in a field, a crowd of Kryptonians dressed in dark cloaks, each bearing the crest of the house of El. Brainiac leaned over to her, “they’re not all her family, just the ones in blue. The rest wear their crest in respect.” Lena nods in thanks, she had suddenly been overwhelmed with the idea that Kara’s family would kill her, especially with that many, but she could deal with a few… maybe. 

The procession headed towards what looked like a town square, just as she had been told. Market stalls were scattered around but for the most part were empty, people crowded around the edges. In the center was a perfectly sized pedestal for the coffin. Blue like Kara’s suit, the pedestal seemed to be made of stone, and in front of it lay a basket, already partially filled with scraps of paper. She stopped a few paces from the center as motioned by Brainiac. J’onn and Alex set Kara down on the pedestal, stepping back to where the rest of them had stopped. A person in red walked up to Kara, speaking a foreign language. Lena would have been content to not know what he was saying, but Brainiac reached over, handing her a device. As soon as it touched her skin, the words began to make sense.

“-taken too soon by enemies of Rao. We stand here today in her memory. Kara Zor-El, once lost to us, returned home, bringing stories of honor to her house, and to us all on Argo. We take this time to send with this daughter of Krypton our thoughts, well wishes, and praise. The Sending ceremony will begin at lightdown.” His voice boomed across the square, and once his voice faded, you could hear a pin drop. “Enjoy her life and honor her death, we celebrate the wondrous person that Rao gifted to us.” At that last statement, the crowd entered the middle, soft but lively music emanating from the buildings around them. Some immediately lined up at the coffin, reading aloud their messages to Kara before leaving them in the basket. Others began chatting, tears and smiles equally present. 

They all began to trade stories about Kara, as was the custom. Lena learned about how Kara made Alex a better person, how she inspired J’onn, and how she always saw the best in Mon-El, even when he didn’t deserve it. A lull in the conversation appeared, and Lena’s heart spoke for her, though her mind protested. “Kara taught me I was not my name. Despite everything that happened, she always saw me for who I was… though I suppose she was wrong. She was too good for me. Bringing me food when she knew I wouldn’t have eaten, made me put down my laptop to sleep when I needed to. Kara is so much better than me, and… I’ve been treating Supergirl like an enemy when all I had to do was see what was right in front of me.” Lena was surprised at her words, realising now that if she had seen the truth from day one, then they wouldn’t be here, and she wouldn’t feel betrayed. She looked up at the group, silently begging someone else to change the subject. 

Brainiac obliged, thankfully. “Kara taught me about culture. I had always known the relevant facts but, well, Kara taught me that they mean something. Connection despite distance through the father of Luke, and rolling a Rick,” he said solemnly, becoming confused as everyone stifled laughs. 

After a few hours of listening to stories, telling her own, listening to the speeches, and meeting Kara’s birth mother, who, surprisingly, had little anger towards Lena, she was exhausted. A bell rang around what seemed to be midday. J’onn found Lena in the crowd and explained the next portion of the ceremony. They were to all sleep until the Sending, the idea being that Kara could visit them all for one last time and say goodbye herself. Lena’s stomach twisted at the thought of facing her again, even knowing that the idea was superstition at best. 

Kara’s mother led her into the El household, a large house in comparison to all the other buildings she had seen. It was wrapped in vines, the family crest chiseled into stone. They finally arrived at an unmarked door. “I kept her room for whenever she would come back. I… I hate to put you through this, but it is the custom that you, as the Sender, lay to rest in her home. 

Lena shook her head. “I understand. This is the least I could do.” I really do owe her. The words hung unsaid but felt in the air. With a nod, the woman left, and Lena entered the odd room. Simple but unlived in, Lena thought of Kara’s apartment. As she lay on the bed, she unconsciously moved to the left, where Kara would be had this been any other time. Her anxiety kept her awake, but the exhausting day had taken its toll, and so she soon passed out. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At first, Lena felt like she was falling, but didn’t wake up. Then suddenly she was in Kara’s bed in her apartment. She opened her eyes to see soft blue ones staring back at her. Lena tried not to jump. Of course my subconscious manifested my guilt into this damned dream. 

Before Lena could speak, Kara sighed deeply, “I’m sorry.” The words hung in the air as the two lay still, only inches from each other. 

Lena shrugged. “I don’t know how to feel,” she admitted to both the image of Kara and herself. When Kara raised an eyebrow, Lena sighed this time. “I... cared for you. That part of me is dying. The other part… well, you lied to me. After everything we’ve been through, everything I told you.. You lied. And then you had my vault searched. You acted like.. I don’t know. I just feel like I don’t know you enough to deserve to feel sad,” she summed up, still feeling the guilt in her lungs like a weight, not letting her breathe. 

Kara smiled sadly. “I lied because… well, because I.. care for you too. I couldn’t let anyone find you and hurt you. I couldn’t put you in danger. But I am sorry that I didn’t communicate well about the Kryptonite. I just attacked you and didn’t try to explain beyond a vague description of the pain. I… I forgive you Lena, but, you have to promise that you’ll keep Alex safe. All of them. I made you my Sender because I, well, I love you, and while others may know my secret, or know my customs better, you’re the only one I could see sending me into Rao’s light.” 

A tear rolled down Lena’s face. “If only you were real.” 

Kara hummed softly, “does this feel real?” Suddenly Kara leaned forward, kissing Lena’s forehead. After a moment she moved down to give her a peck on the nose, then moving even farther down until their lips were almost touching. “I’ve waited this long, don’t keep me waiting Lena,” she joked, and not an instant later, Lena closed the gap between them, holding Kara’s face in her hands. They stayed like that for a moment, tears falling. Lena pulled away for a moment, looking into Kara’s eyes. “Kara Zor-El, I-” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suddenly Lena was pulled back into reality, opening her eyes to find herself back on Argo, in Kara’s old room. She tried so hard not to fall apart, but failed, sobbing into the pillow. 

The moment she had composed herself, another bell rung, probably signalling the beginning of the end. Alura took her to a darkened room, holding a black cube gingerly. She instructed Lena to undress, and then hold the cube in her hands, reciting words in Kryptonese. Once Lena had mastered teh phrase, Alura left her to get ready. Lena’s heart raced as she held the oddly warm cube in her hand. As soon as she repeated the phrase, the cube melted onto Lena’s skin, spreading across her whole body. The completed suit bore the crest of the house of El and shimmered even in the low light.

Lacking the energy to admire the suit, she let Alura back in, who explained the suit. “The nanotechnology will allow you to maneuver and breath in space, just press this button here-” Alura gently took Lena’s hand and showed her the motion to activate the helmet, which turned out to be just an invisible barrier. The hand controls for flight and the flight plans were slightly more complicated, especially as she would be carrying Kara, but compared to making Kryptonite, it was a piece of cake. “One final thing.” Alura brought out a red cape, almost identical to Kara’s but untouched by blood, and without the tell-tale hole. She brought it around Lena’s shoulders, the nanites holding it in place. 

With a wave of her hand, Alura opened a wall panel to reveal a mirror. Lena gasped slightly as she took in the woman before her. It was obvious to her that she had been crying, but perhaps it would not be as plain to others. Her cheekbones jutted out more than normal, and her eyes were a duller green than they had ever been. She looked away from the figure she barely recognised. “I’m ready,” she said softly.  
Alura took Lena’s hands in her own. “No you’re not. But that’s okay. No one ever is.” Lena nodded and they headed outside. 

As soon as they hit the town square, Alura walked off to the side. She had to do this alone. Lena walked to where the man in red waited. “Sender, you are burdened on this day to bring Kara Zor-El home. In the name of Rao, I bless your journey.” With that, he dipped his fingers into a pot of red paint, drawing two thick lines from under Lena’s eyes to her chin. The paint felt cool but she felt small pinpricks where it lay. “I leave this hero in your hands Sender.” The man stepped back, and Lena saw Kara, they had chosen to keep her suit on, but had removed the cape. Kara’s glasses had been placed on her, making her look more like Lena’s best friend than she did before.

With a shaky breath, Lena lifted Kara into her arms bridal style, the nanites helping with the weight. With a twitch of her muscles, she raised her helmet and flew off towards the yellow star off in the distance. The autopilot got them out of the atmosphere without too much trouble, but then Lena decided to take control until they reached the sun. Despite their size, they must have been travelling at least the speed of light, the mechanics of which did not interest Lena until later. They flew by space debris, the silence deafening. “Kara..” she said out loud, trying to put words to her feelings. This would be her last goodbye in just a few minutes, she couldn’t leave things unsaid. “Kara, I trusted you. Whether I should or shouldn’t have, I did. But I take full responsibility for what happened. My views of Supergirl should not have clouded my judgement. You first. I forgot that for a while. I’m sorry I failed you. You should have just left me. I didn’t deserve to be saved, and now Reign could destroy Earth and…” she sighed. “Thank you for teaching me that there is still good in the world Kara, but you were that good. And now you’re gone.” Her heart and tear ducts empty, the screen blinked a warning, and Lena slowed down. She could feel the gravitational pull of the yellow sun before her, though the heat seemed to be reflected off by the suit. 

With a deep breath, she recited the Kryptonian rites. The words popped up on the screen but she waved them away. She had memorized them earlier. “-and if Rao wills it so, may he bring you back to us, on this plane, or the next,” she finished, not realising how hard she had been holding onto Kara. Trying not to break down for the millionth time, Lena slowly let Kara go, letting her drift and fall into the sun. She couldn’t watch. As fast as she could, Lena sped away from the sun, heading back to Argo as fast as she dared. Not bothering to slow her descent too much, Lena let herself crashland in the woods near the El house. While she had hoped she wouldn’t survive, the only bodily complaints came from her ribs. Alura walked over and helped Lena up, the pair saying nothing as they headed inside.  
The next few hours were a blur for Lena. She changed out of the suit and into a dress that Alura had given her, calling it a gift. Alex too had been given a robe, and when she saw Lena, she put a hand on her shoulder comfortingly. No words could explain their loss, and even if Alex hated her, she couldn’t deny the pain that Lena felt. They had loaded everything back onto the ship, and set off for Earth. 

Or that’s what Lena thought until a bright light went through a window, heating Lena’s skin. “Why are we here?” Lena’s first words since she had let Kara go. She didn’t dare look out the window. 

Brainiac look confused, “I thought you would want to-”

“What, see her tomb? I let her go, I killed her. Don’t you think I’ve hurt enough?” Lena snapped, annoyed by Brainiac’s far away look that he got when looking at the ship’s information. He snapped out of it and looked at Lena with an expression she rarely saw on the AI’s face: confusion. “What?” she asked forcefully. The ship turned sharply, heading straight towards the star. 

“Something’s out there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, it's been 2 days. I got a burst of inspiration and a lot of free time somehow. Oh, and I have done 0 actual research on Kryptonian burial rites and their culture, but it's what I felt was right for the story. Oh yeah, and the thing in space. Probably a space rock. Right? Anyways, it'll probably be a while until I update, but as always, I love feedback!!
> 
> Scream at me on Tumblr: http://www.navitri42.tumblr.com/


	4. Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh it's been so long, I know, but at least it's getting done? sorta? i have no excuse. And this chapter isn't well revised so I'll go back later and fix typos.

Brainiac had stated this, knowing full well that Kara’s body had burned up by this point. Lena shook her head, unwilling to let her heart hope for anything close to the impossibility that it craved. She closed her eyes, reciting Shakespeare sonnets to keep her mind from racing. The ship slowed and she tried to ignore Brainiac’s words, “I have a lock, I’m pulling it aboard. Lena, come with me.” She refused, but the AI forcefully dragged her out of her seat and towards the airlock doors. With a fire in her eyes, she was about to yell at him until he opened the doors to the airlock. Whatever it was, it was burned beyond recognition. Suddenly, Lena realized it wasn’t a blob, it was just curled up in the fetal position.

“No.” Lena took a step back,  breaking free from Brainiac’s grasp. “That is not… No, it can’t be, so-so, even if it is you interfered with their customs, she’s gone, accept it.” Without a second glance, Lena walked off, trembling. Her mind was simultaneously running  a million miles a minute, and completely silent. _She is gone. She has to be._ Lena headed straight to the cargo bay, the quiet rumbling of the engines her only companion. With the coffin gone, all that remained were a few barrels labeled in some alien language. Lena sat in a corner behind one of the barrels, wrapping her arms around her. As much as she longed to cry, she felt to empty and angry to do so. _How dare he bring aboard some dead thing that, even if it was her, would be disrespectful, essentially dragging her back up from her grave._ Her body shook, either from anger, or the cold, she couldn’t tell.

In the time that followed, Lena wasn’t found, although it was likely that they didn’t look for her. While the others didn’t know her well, they knew enough to stay away when  she was like this. Alex was the only one who knew that Kara would have been the exception to that rule. Lena debated throwing herself out of an airlock. She had already tried the cargo bay doors, but the built-in computer wouldn’t let the doors open without an atmosphere outside. As soon as she had it the final button, a buzzer rang out, denying access. She felt J’onn’s presence, but mentally screamed at him to get out. He respectfully left, leaving her alone. Her emptiness left, replaced by anger. Anger at J’onn for intruding, anger at Alura for making her bury Kara, anger at Kara for saving her, but mostly anger at herself. If only she hadn’t lied to Kara, if only she hadn't made Plan Z, if only she had woken up an hour later, if only she had died with Kara. Everything would be so much easier if she had died. Her spiral was interrupted by the sudden silence. The engines had stopped. Without a second thought, Lena opened the cargo doors, her memory leading her to the stairs, descending into the DEO, heading back towards the entrance.

“Ms. Luthor, you need to sign the NDAs before you can leave.” Lena looked up at the man who blocked her way. He seemed to be just out of college, which explained the wavering of his stern tone. Though he seemed identical to every other DEO agent, Lena began to pick him apart.

“I will do what I please, and if you think that you are enough to stop me then you are sorely mistaken.” Lena let herself slip away into that robotic, cold shell that her adoptive mother preferred.

The young man held surprisingly firm, obviously debating whether or not to use force, until his expression suddenly changed and he put his finger to his ear. “Yes Agent Danvers.. Sorry repeat that?” he glanced back towards the interior before returning his attention back to Lena. “Agent Danvers wants you to know that you are free to go, but that… you should read your texts.”

Lena’s mask cracked ever so slightly and she pushed her way past him, walking outside in the bright sun that she knew Kara loved but all she could feel was her skin start to burn under the guilt and anger. Her assigned DEO driver waited to take her back to LCorp, seeming pleasant, greeting Lena as she opened the door for her, but was given only silence in return. As the driver got in and pulled out of the entrance, time seemed to have no meaning for Lena. She was torn between mourning, remembering, and being angry. So, like the good Luthor she was raised to be, she grew cold. It didn’t matter. Nothing about this did. Her company was still standing according to Jess’ texts, and in fact, the research team had a new breakthrough in renewable energy that would probably lead to billions of dollars and perhaps even reversing climate change. She was the good CEO everyone expected, but deserved nothing good, and she will learn to live with that as she did before Kara.

 

By the time they had reached LCorp, Lena’s demeanor resembled a statue’s. Jess was waiting for her outside, with a small smile that, on a normal day, would have Lena smiling authentically as well. At the sight of what the others called Lena’s “Luthor face,” Jess kept smiling, though a little more sadly, knowing that this would be a rough few months at least. As they walked into the building, Jess gave Lena the updates. “Ms. Luthor, besides what I mentioned in my texts, LCorp stock has gone up 2%, but we had to fire someone from Legal, they had ties to your mother and were leaking information. I got your schedule freed up for most of the day but that Japanese investor will only be here for the next 12 hours, so you can take that meeting at 4, or if you want, I’m sure one of the VPs could do it. Jared speaks Japanese anyways. Your office is off limits for the day, but your lab is open should you not wish to go home. Speaking of, your lunch should be here soon, shall I have it sent down to the lab?”

By then, Lena had approached the elevator, trying to decide if she should fight her well meaning assistant. “I’ll take the meeting with the investor in my office,” She glanced at her watch, noting the time, 12:20. “I ate on the flight,” she lied seamlessly, “so you can have it. I’ll be in the lab until 3, and after the meeting I will stay in my office.”

Lena’s firm voice told Jess that that was all the compromise she would get, so she just nodded. “If you need anything-” Lena cut her off, “the bottle of scotch from my office.” Jess nodded again, watching Lena enter the elevator and descend to her lab.

 

Jess took the other elevator up to Lena’s office, where the new secondary assistant was still trying to get the hang of managing the phones. “I told you Elle, you need to answer in the first 2 rings, if only to put them on hold,” she chastised softly, getting a pleading look from Elle who was on the phone with someone screaming loud enough for Jess to hear from 5 feet away. She stepped up to the desk and took the phone from Ella who immediately picked up the other phone to put the 3 other calls on hold.

“Excuse me, this is Jess, Ms. Luthor’s assistant, how can I help you?” Jess’ customer service voice was flawless, to be returned with a gruff angry voice.

“Are you kidding me? Where is Lena Luthor? I demand to speak to her this instant!”

“I’m sorry sir, she’s unavailable right now, can I take a message?” 

“You damned women! Always busy, never doing any real work!”

“Sir, that is extremely unprofessional and if you expect Ms. Luthor to work with you then I would suggest realizing that you are not the top priority of a CEO of a multi-billion dollar company.”

“Work with me? She owes me money! I-”

“Well then sir, let me transfer you to our legal department.” With a few buttons and a click, Jess smiled at the thought of the man reaching the legal team who would no doubt shut him down. Elle mouthed a thank you as she dealt with another phone call. Jess simply nodded and added another sticky note to Elle’s monitor that read “If you can’t stick up for yourself, just stick up for Lena.” The sticky note joined about a dozen others to help Elle get the hang of the job.

 

With that, Jess let herself into Lena’s office, which looked as cold and immaculate as the woman herself right now. With deft hands, Jess took out a mostly full bottle of scotch, and an empty one from a small cabinet on the far side of the room, pouring an eighth of the bottle into the empty one. She knew that this would get her at least a stern look, but a tipsy Lena she could work with. If her actions in the past few minutes were anything to go by, a drunk Lena would not be a good idea today. She locked up the original bottle with the rest of the alcohol in Lena’s office.

With the mostly empty bottle in one hand and a glass in the other, Jess took the hidden elevator down to Lena’s lab, where Lena looked almost normal in her lab coat and ponytail, the complex circuitry forcing her mind to put her mask aside, her face softer and more focused. Hoping she had changed her mind, Jess stepped out of the elevator, walking towards Lena, her heels clicking on the concrete.

“I can’t even trust you to bring a full bottle of scotch can I?” Lena asked sharply, still focused on the task at hand, but her face growing harder once more. “You are one of the best assistants I’ve had but you question me far too much for my liking Ms. Warren.”

It had been months since Jess was subjected to this side of her boss, but she was more than prepared for it. “If you would like to fire me Ms. Luthor then go ahead, but I like to think you appreciate when I keep you in check.” It was like playing chess when the pieces were on fire, but luckily it looked like Jess made the right move.

“That is one of your skills. For better or worse. Set the bottle down then you may go Ms. Warren.” Lena looked up from her project, leaning on the table with both hands.

Taking a leap of faith that she wasn’t crossing too many lines, Jess set down the glass and bottle, stepping towards Lena who stood straight and stiffened, too proud to step back but radiating defensive anger. Jess put a hand on Lena’s arm, and the muscles tensed under her touch. “I’ll be right upstairs if you need me Lena.” Her boss relaxed slightly and nodded a thank you. With that done, she left Lena to her projects, hoping that Ella had everything under control.

 

Lena looked at her chaotic workbench, pieces of the robot strewn almost randomly, but Lena knew exactly where each piece was. “Krypto,” Lena whispered, the pieces glowing blue at her voice, reassembling before her eyes, electromagnets tuning themselves, connecting joints until the scattered mess was replaced by a large metal dog, resembling a German Shepard in size and shape, but made of a titanium alloy and glowing blue. She stood up straighter and signed to the dog, “Diagnostic?” she curled her fingers and raised her eyebrows, getting a soft yellow light in response. As she waited, each LED in the eyes sequentially turned green, until the last which turned to a deep red.

“FUCK!” Lena yelled, slamming her fist into the steel table, or she would have, had Krypto not put its paw underneath it first, softening the blow. Lena glared daggers into its eyes. “Shut down, code Emrys.” It dutifully obeyed, shining that familiar blue before disassembling itself again onto the table.

She didn’t even know why she was still working on this. That’s a lie. She did. She just didn’t want to admit it. It was for _her._ She knew that now. A dog, named after the planet that she was from, designed to protect Kara. Protect Supergirl. She realized that she always knew deep down who Kara was. One of those damned boxes she hid from herself, deep in her mind palace. The times she would be beat up one day and then flawless skin the next. The dozens of times Kara tried to tell her but couldn’t, because.. No, that’s too deep of a rabbit hole for so little scotch.

At that thought, she was drawn to the bottle, which she picked up unceremoniously and chugged, the familiar burning down her throat the closest thing to a trusted friend she hoped she’d have. Always there, always reliable, the only thing she could trust in this moment. On an empty stomach, the alcohol hit her quickly, the familiar dizzying feeling not exactly enough to drown out everything else. Grabbing her headphones and laptop, Lena turned up the volume to maximum, letting her head pound with the familiar melodies of Scheherazade. Instinctively, she sat on the chair, matching the fingering of the violin, closing her eyes and losing herself in the music.

Meanwhile, her phone lay on the table, dead, and she was oblivious to the many incoming calls from unknown numbers and Alex.

 

Hundreds of feet above her, Jess was dealing with a very stern Director J’onzz.  “I understand that it is a matter of national security but first of all my allegiance is to Ms. Luthor, not this country, and secondly, if she wanted you to get past me, then she would have given you her cell number. I will pass on your message.” With that, Jess hung up, looking at the clock. 2:48. Whatever it was could wait the 12 minutes until Lena came back upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Krypto is now a robot, canon can go fuck itself. Anyways, thanks for reading and please leave feedback!! I promise this will be updated. Hopefully in the next month because break but who knows.
> 
> Scream at me on Tumblr: http://www.navitri42.tumblr.com/


	5. Boxes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I wrote this on a plane, have some more words my dudes  
> TW Gore for about 2 sentences later on in the chapter

Lena had ignored the DEOs messages much to Jess’ dismay, but at least the meeting with the investor went well. Lena had informed Jess that she was to send over all of the research for the renewable energy source, and set up a meeting with scientists from both parties, so at least something was successful today.

She double checked the schedule for the next week, not sure whether to be glad that it was Friday or not, for Lena’s sake. The schedule for next week was bare bones, Jess had managed to shift almost everything to the VPs, who were understandably confused, but Jess marketed the situation like a chance to prove their worth to Lena, so they all jumped at the opportunities. Jess knew that while Lena would love for nothing more than to keep herself busy and wear herself out with 15 hour days, she couldn’t let that happen. At least, she would do her best to keep Lena intact.

Knowing that Lena wouldn’t eat if she left, Jess ordered a Kale smoothie from Lena’s favorite cafe just as it was closing, but the barista was kind enough to make it anyways, or, perhaps it was less kindness and more appreciation for the $100 tips Lena insists Jess give. Or, she did insist in the past. Who knows what Lena would do now. Jess knew Lena as a Luthor struggling to atone for her family’s mistakes, and while she had always had her closed off moments, Jess had never really seen Lena lose someone like this, not personally at least. Jess had no idea what to expect, but prepared for the worst anyways. 

When the smoothie arrived, it was 5pm, and Jess had just finished the emails to the VPs. Lena thanked Jess for the smoothie, and to Jess’ surprise, when she went in a few hours later to tell her good night, the smoothie was actually empty, placed on the corner of the desk while blueprints were laid out on the desk, Lena scribbling on them. Though to be fair, the now half full bottle of scotch was next to it, with an empty glass close to Lena.

“I’m heading out Ms. Luthor, would you like me to come in tomorrow?” Jess asked softly, not wanting to disturb Lena beyond what was necessary at this point. 

Without looking up, Lena shook her head. “In fact, make sure everyone but security is out of the building. I’ll just be in my lab and I don’t feel like distractions,” she said shortly, still scribbling on the blueprints. “Sunday as well, actually. Enjoy your weekend Ms. Huang.” Lena waved her off.

“You too Ms. Luthor.” Jess headed out of the room, making the necessary arrangements for Lena’s request. As soon as she was out of the building and in her car, Jess put on the video that she had been playing on repeat when Lena wasn’t around.

_“Hey Jess. If you’re watching this, Lena’s going to need some help soon. Um, I’m probably dead, and so, that means your job, your mission, should you choose to accept it sorta thing, is to help Lena. She trusts you, and if I know her half as well as i think I do, she’s going to have a rough time soon if not already. Just um, try and take care of her for me, yeah?”_

The first few times Jess had watched the video, she was in shock. Kara couldn’t be dead. Headstrong but awkward. The light in Lena’s life. She was too wonderful to ever just.. Die. The next few times, Jess focused on Kara’s features. Jess had always known there was a strong correlation between Kara and Supergirl but the more she watched the video, the more convinced she was. They _had_ to be the same. She had only met Supergirl a handful of times, and their demeanors were completely different. Her voice dropped a little and she had this confidence that Kara only had when she was protecting her friends. But it all made sense. She wondered if Lena knew. At the very least, she would now, assuming this wasn’t the only video to be sent out upon Kara’s death. Taking a deep breath, Jess focused on the road, hoping that Lena would keep her around enough to help. At the very least, she promised herself she’d fight for her.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

By 1 in the morning, Lena had debugged most of Krypto’s code, but was still having trouble with the A.I.. Neural nets were extremely finicky, and despite Lena’s extensive knowledge on the subject, she still struggled to teach it how to determine the right moral choice that didn’t end in an _I, Robot_ situation. She struggled to teach it to be human. Then again, she wasn’t quite sure of how to be human herself. She hadn’t even looked at Kara’s text yet, and by all normal human measurements, she should be devastated. She was, of course, but that part of her was so buried, the only thing that made her stop working was fatigue, and the pull of the vodka she had at home.

The drive back to her apartment was relatively quiet. Her usual night driver was out sick so instead of the usual banter, the ride was silent, for which she was grateful. Lena didn’t quite remember getting upstairs, nor downing about ¼ of a handle of vodka. At some point, it crosses her mind that she probably wouldn’t live long like this, but the thought is deemed unimportant, and floats away, all but forgotten.

It took too much energy to get properly ready for bed, so instead Lena just dropped her clothes into a pile, shivering a little as she climbed into the cold bed. Without a second thought, she pulled Kara’s pillow close as she had done many times before. At the familiar scent, she remembered Kara’s text, and in her drunken stupor, decided that  now was the best time to read it, when she had a high probability of not remembering. With a little effort, Lena grabbed her phone from her bedside table and unlocked it, the brightness making her wince before she turned it down, still squinting a little at the screen. Her inhibitions gone, she opened up the text that had been lurking in her inbox for days.

Kara: I know I might not make it. I just want you to know that I really care about you, and, if I died, please just watch this. [ http://bit.ly/4L3n4 ](http://bit.ly/4L3n4)

_If she cared about me, she would have let me into her life instead of lying._ Lena blinked a few times, ignoring the hateful voice in her head, and instead clicking the link, which redirected her through about 5 pages before finally reaching a blank URL that Lena knew must just be a DEO site. The page itself was minimal, just a video player, the thumbnail an image of Kara in her favorite navy polka dot button up, hands clasped like she does when she’s nervous, a sad smile on her face. Her hair was loose and curly, and Lena wanted nothing more than to run her fingers through it, but instead she pressed play

 _“Hey, Lena. I um, well, as cliche as it is, if you’re watching this, I’m dead. Winn, he set this up for me, a dead man’s switch he called it. A little on the nose if you ask me but whatever. If I didn’t keep putting in a password, it would send this out to you. A bunch of people really, I’m, I’m lucky to have so many people. I hope you know I’m lucky to have you. I really was Lena. Sorry I'm rambling again. But um, because I’m dead now, I want to tell you a couple things that I probably should have before now. I know it’s too late now, and you will probably hate me,”_ Kara started tearing up at this but quickly wiped them away, laughing a little to cover it up but her eyes were red, like she had cried about this before. _“I know, I know that by now I wouldn’t care, sorry, um, I’m, I’m Supergirl. And, I’m sorry that for a moment I didn’t trust you, and told James to check for more kryptonite, I just.. My fear overcame me. It’s no excuse, I know. Um, but, I hope that clears some things up.”_

Kara wrapped her arms around herself, fidgeting more than usual, taking off her glasses before continuing. _“As for the other thing, if you, if you hate me, then I guess this doesn’t matter, but um, I- I love you Lena. You give me the most wonderful butterflies in my stomach and my heart literally skips when I see you. You have supported me and made me feel loved and safe and I could never pay that back. I’ve tried, Rao know I’ve tried. But I know that by now, I’m sure you feel betrayed and I’m sorry. The only thing I can try to give you is my apology, and, I want you to know whatever happened, it’s not your fault. I love you Lena, and if you still care about me, even just a little, do me a favor, and take care of yourself, and don’t be afraid to rely on others because, well, now it has to be you first, always._ ”

Lena wanted to cry. In her mind she knew it was understandable, and she expected herself to cry. For some reason, she just couldn’t. It wasn’t Kara’s scent comforting her, or shock stopping her. She was just too.. Empty. So instead, Lena simply held Kara’s pillow close and drifted in and out of sleep all night.

 

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Lena was woken up at 5 by a loud pounding on her door. “Lena open this damned door before I kick it in myself,” the rough voice of one Alex Danvers blasted through the intercom. Each pounding amplified the pain of her hangover, and so Lena got up as fast as she could under the circumstances and approached the video intercom mounted in her bedroom.

“I’ll sign those NDAs later Ms. Danvers,” the name stuck in her throat a little as she remembered everything that had happened. Alex looked tired and angry. As well she should be. Lena had half a mind to let her in so Alex could beat her to a bloody pulp. She deserved it after all.

“Damn it Lena this isn’t about you, get the fuck up, she needs you,” Alex yelled, making Lena wince some more.

The implications didn’t register in Lena’s sluggish mind, or perhaps some part of her made her not realize. “I’m of no use to you, but if you want to kill me, i’m sure that could be arranged.” Lena surprised herself with that remark, noting that her mind to mouth filter was definitely not working properly.

“Did you hear me Lena? Kara needs you. We need your notes on the device, we can’t get the pieces out,” Alex said a little softer this time,  almost begging. 

At that, Lena snapped up straight, trying to force her mind to work. “Give me 2 minutes.”

Lena threw open her closet, throwing on a green dress and then putting her hair in a ponytail, grabbing her laptop and purse, opening the door in a minute and 40 seconds to see Alex and 2 other DEO agents. While they looked fine, Alex looked even worse not on the screen. Kara’s sister always looked well put together, achieving the baddass gay look effortlessly, but today, she just looked exhausted. “Let’s move.”

To Lena’s surprise, she was ushered into what looked like an ambulance on the outside, but resembled the DEO on the inside. A gurney was folded up on the side, a bench large enough for the two of the them on the left side, a few familiar medical devices and a few alien. The entire top right side was a monitor,  and below it was more foreign machines. Lena stepped in, sitting on the far end of the bench, joined by Alex. As soon as the door was shut, Alex turned on the monitor, which displayed a model of Kara’s body. It was only an outline but Lena could tell it was hers. No one was that perfect. Green slivers dotted the inside, marking the kryptonite.

Lena felt her stomach rise to her throat but she forced the nausea down, trying to box that up as well. “Every time we try to pull a piece out, we find out that it’s wrapped around a crucial part, you are a lot of things Lena, and ruthless seems to be one of them. So how do we get them out?” Alex said harshly.

 

Lena was running out of boxes to put things in and push them away, but somehow she managed. “It detects those. AI kryptonite sort of. It was.. It was supposed to not work on her. But we can coax them out, we just have to give them something that they’ll like better. Or, I don’t know, I might be able to get into the code and pull the kill switch but I didn’t design it to work while.. _Inside_.”

“Yeah, you work on that,” Alex chuffed.

“Agent Danvers, I understand you can’t wait to get your hands on my throat, and believe me, I deserve it, but if you could refrain until I am of no use to Kara, I’d appreciate it.” Lena pulled out her laptop, effectively ending the conversation. Lena’s hands flew over the keyboard, trying to write a solution to the problem she designed. Even with the master key, the program was going to put up a fight.

It took them surprisingly little time to get to the DEO, most likely due to the driver speeding and the blatant disregard for red lights. Closing her laptop, Lena hopped out of the ambulance, hesitating before following Alex inside. “Just lead me to your lab, I can build what I need there.” Lena says, trying to keep the waver out of her voice. The last thing she needed was to see Kara. Her imagination was most likely worse than the reality, or so she hoped, but that didn’t stop her from keeping her head down as they passed the medical wing.

In 2 hours she had built a variant of an AI that was originally a prototype for automated surgery taken from the R&D files of LCorp, now capable of identifying the bomb fragments and then deactivating both the radiation and the the killer program of the synthetic kryptonite and then finally removing them. She let Brainy run through the code to check for any mistakes, but he was simply amazed at what she had accomplished. It might be too late, but at this point Lena had mourned, and been angry, and simply realized that she was doing this for the betterment of the city, not for herself or her unrequited lost love. In fact this was almost against herself. Allowing the woman who lied to her to live. Saving her life when all she wanted to do is forget. It hurt more than a bit, but working on anything always helped her push those boxes to a lost corner of her mind.

She left the USB with the AI with Brainy and after finally signing those damned NDAs (reading them first, of course), Lena left, not quite sure how she wanted things to turn out. Or so she told herself. Instead of going back to her apartment to sleep, Lena instead went to her lab, determined to complete the project that could have stopped all of this from happening in the first place.

 

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Pain is a funny thing. Kara thought that her agony would be over in Rao’s light, but for some reason, an echo of the searing, choking, terrible pain was still there. She slept for so long, convinced Rao had forsaken her, the last daughter of Krypton was really a fake copy, just a human in the body of a Kryptonian, she imagined he’d say. But if this was hell, it was tolerable. In the beginning it must have been hell. Burning, suffocating, then healing just for it to happen again and again.

Maybe Rao pitied her and left her to this half real ever shifting landscape. Sometimes she’d get to see what she hopes are the dreams of her friends and family. Alex dreaming of her and their childhood sometimes, other times about Sam, which she definitely didn’t need to see. Eliza often dreamt of Jeremiah and having their family whole, all 4 of them. She even got to see one of J’onn’s, watching him play with his granddaughters. No one before that had been able to notice her in those moments, but just before his ended, she could have sworn J’onn looked straight at her.

The nightmares she saw too, but less often. The first nightmare from Lena she witnessed was the only dream of hers that Kara saw, repeating far too often. Her compartmentalization crumbled here, her pain showing through. The dream was a simple one, Lena and Kara were in Lena’s bed, slowly kissing like Kara always wanted to. But then Lena muttered something. Something Kara almost didn’t hear the first time.

“I trust you.”

Kara’s heart soared in that first instant before she heard herself reply, “you shouldn’t.”

In that instant her nightmare self ripped open Lena’s rib cage and unceremoniously bathed in the blood of her lover.

Kara had screamed that first time, and though she hadn’t been able to interact, every time she saw it, she tried to hard to scream at her fake self, at Lena. Tried to block her with her own incorporeal form until she realized that this was indeed hell.

She even believed she deserved it, living in this hell. But not Lena. That last shred of hope came from the idea that this was all fake, and that Lena was fine.

The first thing that told her she was wrong were the voices. They wandered through her mind, comforting, pleading. But it took far too much energy to listen and understand sometimes.

The second was the beeping. It had been eternity she was sure. But eternities don’t end. And this one was slipping away like sand. The beeping was relatively steady, and suddenly she realized she was breathing. You don’t have to breathe when you’re dead. Slowly her mind put two and two together, and when she finally had enough energy, her opening eyes were greeted with two blue glowing metal ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I'm hopeful about updating relatively soon but you know, college is starting up again. And thanks for all the comments! 
> 
> Scream at me on Tumblr: http://www.navitri42.tumblr.com/


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